Personal Encounter with My Deepest Yearnings in G.Y.

            My deepest yearnings that evoked in my inmost being as I listened to the sharing and testimonies of the past GY’ers are the following.

            1^st is Commitment.  I want to be fully committed to the formation in G.Y.  I don’t want to waste again my time here in the seminary.  I want to take this once in a lifetime opportunity.  This time, I will embrace this formation not only for my own benefit but also for the Church.  I want to form myself not only to become a good person for myself but a better priest in the future for the Church.  So, in order to achieve that goal, I have to fully commit myself to the formation.

What's my Deepest Yearning???

            2^nd one is Openness.  I had a traumatic experience with regard to being opened.  I was in college when I opened myself to them by they used it to make fun of me.  After that I never opened myself again.  But I started to slowly open up myself when I started in Vianney.  This time, since I’m already in G.Y, I want to fully open myself not only to myself and to other people but also open to many possibilities that will happen in my life here in G.Y.  I’m doing this because I want to unload everything, good and bad things that happened in my life.  Openness is a vital aspect for me to be fully commit myself to the formation and respond to God’s call faithfully.

            3^rd one is Humility and Patience.  I need to be humble enough to accept that I need other people e.g. the Formators, batchmate, etc to achieve my goal esp. that I need God’s presence in my life here in G.Y.  On the other hand, I need to be patient with myself because self-improvement doesn’t happen for a day or a week.  It takes time so I need to be patient to the slow process of self-improvement and self-response to the formation.  And most of all, I have to be patient with God as He slowly unveils Himself in my day-to-day experiences.   

“Lord, let me go first and bury my father.” (1st Faith Sharing)

            This is the statement said by a disciple as he met Jesus.  If I’m going to paraphrase this statement in my own context, it would be like this: “Lord, let me go first for I’ll deal first my concerns”.

            Throughout my life, I’ve been saying this statement to Him consciously and unconsciously. Like when I was already in college seminary and I was about to engage in an exclusive relationship with a girl.  I knew at that time that it would create confusion in my view with my vocation but I told Jesus “Lord, let me go first with this, I only want to experience having an exclusive relationship.” I was thinking of this experience as normal at my age wherein I would be in loved and be loved by this girl.

            And the other one when my ministry year ended, I told Jesus “Lord, let me go first for I want to deal first my personal issues, I want to help my family and I’m looking for something.”  That’s why I extended my stay outside the seminary for almost 3 years. Even in my day-to-day activities and obligations like going to mass and having personal and communal prayer, I till had some excuses not to do it and just say, “Lord, let me go first.” 

            In all times, Jesus calls me, yet I reply, ‘Wait, wait, Lord… I even embraced before what St. Augustine said and prayed to God “Lord, make me chaste but not yet.”  I have this desire to be chaste because of my vocation but not yet, not now.  I have so many excuses.  I attend to my concerns before I give the Lord his due.  I am convinced that I am called to this vocation but I’m still hesitant to fully respond to the call because of my concerns with my personal issues.  I keep on delaying the things that I have to do.  But I realized that if I only follow Jesus when I’m finally free from all problems and trials, that day may never come because it’s part of life.  To follow Jesus is to experience problems and trials.  If I plan to enjoy my life only after I’ve done my work and responsibility, then it will never be realized because work and responsibility never end.  It is said that the works of the Lord are not after-office tasks.  They constitute a way of life that enables us to live joyfully even as we attend to our day-to-day activities and obligations.

            But I think what keeps me delaying the things I have to do and what makes me hesitant to fully respond to the call of God is because of two things. 1^st, Lack of Faith to God that He will help me in dealing with my personal issues and if I’m only open to receive His grace. 2^nd one, I’m still attached to these things.  It’s difficult for me to let go of the things I’m holding on for a long time and become part of my life.  It’s so difficult to let go so easily a relationship with a girl who treated me very special and the only love of her life since birth.  It is so difficult to ignore the needs of my family who always there for me when I’m always in need of help.  It’s so difficult to take for granted my personal issues so easily because I might experience problems in the future if I ignore them.  It’s so difficult to detach myself to these things but I have to do it.

            As what Jesus said, “if you want to follow me, take up your cross.”  If you love me, deny yourself.”  I have to detach myself from these things that would hinder me to do my task.  I have to learn to let go.  I know it’s difficult but I have to do it if I want to follow Him.  I have to make sacrifices.  I know it is so painful to let go but I have to.  I know it will take a long time for me to do and accept it that’s why I’m always asking God to bless me with humility and patience.  I’m also asking God to grant me with courage to face painful experience as I slowly detach myself from these things.  Now, all I have to do is to focus myself on what/who I value most and the reason why I’m letting go, - Jesus Christ  and His gift of vocation, priesthood.      

A Sad but Meaningful Beginning (June 5)

             A shocking news suddenly brought up after our lunch last Friday, June 3, 2011.  It was Fr. Dael who told us about the death of Dulcenar Montante, a seminarian from Butuan. We couldn’t directly believe what had happened because I personally saw him during Mass last June 1.

            Then, we had our wake for him before his body be brought to their place, Kitcharao.  During the wake, we had our group sharing. During our sharing, this was my realization.

            I was actually expecting a joyful start of the year.  But to my dismay, I was welcomed by (3) three sad events in the seminary. 1^st, a burglar ransacked the seminary.  Some important things from the seminarian were stolen.  It seemed somehow that the seminary is no longer safe.  2^nd, the father of Gogong, one of the seminarian, died.  3^rd, seminarian Dulcenar died with a mysterious disease.  The 3^rd one gave great impact to all of us.  He died inside the seminary.  It actually affected us all. Because of this, I realized three important things: 1^st, life is too short and unpredictable.  We will never know when will be our time.  So we need to spend out time wisely.  Maximize every second of our life on this earth.  2^nd, it made me realize that we need to take care of ourselves.  We need to be conscious of our health.  3^rd, we need to take care of our vocation.  According to Fr. Raul, “it takes 2 people to form a person but it takes a thousand people to form a priest.” People will be affected if ever there will be a tragedy or bad things that may happen to a seminarian.  So what happened to Dulcenar is a great loss for the Church.  He was a potential priest-to-be.

            In general, I’m still shocked with the events.  I’m so sad to the family especially to his parents.  So, it is important to pray for them that they may able to move on in their lives.